Lessons Learned and Lived

Middle school is a tough time for just about everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say, “Man, middle school was the time of my LIFE!”  Most people were, in fact, miserable. The reason for this is very simple: puberty. During middle school, students are growing into their adult selves, and are discovering who they really are and who they want to become. And the fact that sexual attraction is really thrown into the mix of new experiences. Claws tend to appear as territory is discovered and claimed, and they come in groups.

I was no exception to this rule. I moved during seventh grade—in the midst of all things horrible and middle-school-ish. I was placed on the “going somewhere fast” track, as opposed to the normal track. I was shy, but I quickly made friends amongst my fellow nerds. One such student was Trixie. Trixie was outgoing and loved musical theatre like I did. We are also members of the same church, which helped us bond. We became fast friends. We both needed it; I was new in town, and Trixie didn’t have many friends. Trixie’s mother once told me that I was “an answer to their prayers.” No pressure, right?

Well, middle school being the way it was, I became more concerned with how the “in” crowd saw me. Of course, the group of kids to be a part of at my school was a group of nerds, but they were cool nerds.  I simply had to be a part of their group! Unfortunately, they did not like Trixie. They didn’t think she was “outgoing.” They thought she was loud and obnoxious. I didn’t agree with them at first, but… You know, I began to think, they’re kind of right. Why does she respond to everything?  Once I noticed it, I couldn’t un-notice it. Soon, I began avoiding her at school and ignoring her phone calls. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I was just trying to fit in.

And I did. The popular group of kids finally welcomed me into their inner circle. I got ready for school dances with them, played night games with them, and even got to sit by them at our favorite pizza place. I remember one time we were there for a fundraiser, and all of my friends sat at a big table towards the back of the room. There was a half-wall and window that separated our eating area from the rest of the restaurant.  Through the window, we had a perfect view of the door. So when Trixie came in, my friends knew right away. They all gasped and said, “Quick, duck! It’s Trixie! We can’t let her see us, she’ll want to sit with us.”  I complied, doing as my friends. We all giggled, so proud of our quick thinking and good timing.

A few minutes later, as we relaxed back into normal conversation, I looked through the window and saw Trixie passing. We made eye contact through the glass, and I saw such sadness in here eyes. My stomach churned. She knew.  She knew we had seen her. She knew we had hid. She knew I was a part of that group. This poor, tender girl who had once considered me to be her best friend had to watch as I scoffed at her expense. I was heart-broken.

In true middle-school fashion, the guilt passed and I returned to my old, horrible ways. However, now that I’ve grown, I look back on that experience with such disappointment. I could have had such a positive impact on that girl’s life, but instead I had a demeaning one. And that’s something I’ll always have to live with.